Annoying People Who Need to Go Away

How could you resist Larry? He couldn't remember you, so he couldn't cause you any trouble. Ever!

CNN had a real winner in Larry King. No one was more American than Larry. He was your very best friend when you met him, and then he completely forget who you were. (I had a personal experience with this.) He had, what? Seventeen, eighteen wives? How many convictions for floating bad checks? How many radio jobs in Florida? Perfect! Keep that guy. Give him a show!

The good news about Larry is that he didn't pretend to be anything he was not. He was a radio talk show host who got lucky and went on TV. No kingmaker he, Larry enjoyed his celebrity, chatted genially with his guests and went home and slept a good night's sleep (with whomever happened to be there). Hello New York!

Now that he's retired with wife number twenty and is covering hockey part time for ESPN, CNN has really scraped the bottom of the barrel to replace him. They've hired this pretentious Brit who had to leave the country before he got indicted for stealing voice mail messages for Rupert Murdoch's London's tabloids. Piers Morgan.

He needs to leave this country too. Big, serious, opinionated Piers does not know anything about America. Check-bouncing, much-married, I love-you-get-outta-here Larry "North Dakota! Hello!" King--now he fit in! Piers Morgan telling us what we ought to be doing? Go shoot some pheasant Piers! Ta!

I have a long list of people like Piers who need to go Somewhere Else, especially somewhere without a broadcast studio. Ann Coulter. She can go. Anorexic Ann with the arms like sticks and the long-blonde-hair-flipping, and the lockjaw accent? I'm a conservative and I still want her to move elsewhere. Best sellers and media contracts can be obtained Somewhere Else! Go there!

Do you think the pretentious Al Gore could move Somewhere Else too? Maybe with Ann?  Mr. Global Warming was so dreary as a candidate that even the plodding George W. Bush appeared to be charming and intelligent when placed next to him. Lefties ruling the prize-giving world as they do, they had to give old Mr. Self Important a Nobel Prize for having lost the presidency to such a perceived dunce as W. Still, lots of people win Nobel Prizes who have no known skill except putting money into Swiss bank accounts. The name Yasser "Blood on His Hands" Arafat comes to mind. Another guy got one too, fairly recently, just for getting elected POTUS, which just goes to show. Al? Hey, how 'bout an estate in the Caymens? Now that Tipper has ditched you as the total non-husband you are: why not just go there? Bye!

David Petraeus. He married the General's daughter and then lied to her and treated her the way he treated his staff. We know he's pretty clueless or he would have been doing his job instead of doing his biographer. He fell for a honey-trap that even the stupidest spy would have avoided. That guy? In charge of our spies? Now making Big Bucks with a big Hedge Fund? Outta here Ex-General David! I know someone who used to report to you and you disdained stupidity in your underlings. Well hey, you're not so smart yourself.

Chris "Double Hamburger" Christie. New Jersey's Big Boy Governor. Man, which mafia dons own that Mr Potatoehead with his Obama bromance? Hard to imagine a guy running for president who'd probably have myocardial infarction about halfway through the marathon of primaries and microscopic examinations of every quote, squat, spit, iPhone call, girlfriend, Twitter, FB "friend," and bank account. This guy needs to be CEO of Wendys. In Costa Rica.

Gosh, I don't know if I can't fit all the Annoying Famous People of 2013 into this one piece. Nancy Grace? "She Slit His Throat From Ear to Ear" was her favorite repetitious headline during the Arias trial. Anderson "If I'm There I Can Walk Around And Show You The World and that is 360 Degrees" Cooper? Needs to host a game show. Bernard Goldberg and Karl Rove? Both represent the worst of the nerds that annoyed us during the last election and proved to know absolutely ZERO! New experts please!

David Brooks, whose columns have grown increasingly bizarre, particularly a recent one in which he decried a young man who was working in the investment business and giving all his money to charity as not "committed enough to his core values." Time to take a job in Counseling! Richard Cohen, who writes for the Washington Post and apparently never leaves his house, commenting only on stories covered by magazines he reads? Retire! Judy Woodruff--who once hung her Louis Vuitton handbag over my chair when she was using our newsroom at KGW-TV and handed me a dollar and asked me to get her a Coke as if I were her intern? (Hello? I'm a reporter too, Miss Queen!) Judy, who makes watching the PBS Newshour more painful than a visit to your least favorite dentist? Maybe radio? Soon?

George Will--an alleged conservative who betrayed his wife and handicapped child whom he traded in to become part of a DC Power Marriage and wonders why many of us don't admire him and his Mont Blanc pens? Possibly we could send him to London in trade for  Piers Morgan and players to be named later?  Rachael Maddow? Hair? Moustache? Preachy? Lean Backwards honey: you are about to fall over that Hoover Dam thing. And, you know: I Built That. (Actually: my father did.)

I do have a list of well-informed and intelligent people in the media, which I will share with you another time. But it is awfully short. If there were more of them and they were more effective, perhaps the govt wouldn't be seizing our phone records, tax records, airline reservations, drivers licenses apps, DNA, bank accounts, cell phone call lists, and steaming open our envelopes just because they can. Somebody out there really needs to be paying better attention instead of just blabbing.

I wonder if it is possible? To get rid of the Chaff, so we can get on with Saving the Nation?


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