Toby Tyler Reporting

by
Toby Tyler
Dog

I just want to say from the beginning that the main thing I'm thinking about these days are the negotiations going on between the Israelis and the Palestinians. We have to try to get that mess worked out and Give Peace a Chance. What a world you People have got going here!

I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Toby and I am six months old and I live across the street from that female Person called Robin. I like to run over and see her and talk a little international relations with her from time to time. Whooeee is that fun.

My owner Persons are called Mickey and Donna. But I spend most of the day watching CNN and the other cable news channels and trying to keep up with what is going on in the world and with who has the new prime time anchor seat today. It is dangerous in that part of the world! Kind of like Israel. And the Palestinian Territories.

I'm spending a lot of time trying to explain to my Person Mickey about things like: what would happen if we had a nuclear Iran, and how the bicameral legislature works. But he is mostly into trying to get me to do tricks. Who does he think I am? Hamid Karzai?

My Person is the kind of guy who thinks Larry King is a newsman! Larry King, whose skull is so empty he is entirely held up by his suspenders and by his ninth wife ... hang on just a second I see my Person coming over and I think I smell food in his pocket. Hey! I'm over here! What's the matter? You need glasses?



Man, I thought I was going to have to sit there doing that "sit-stay-shake" thing forever. Now. Where was I? Oh yes, about television news. What a lot of rot. Have you watched that guy Glenn Beck? He came to Fox News from Top Forty Morning Zoo radio! Next thing you know he'll be covering the Mid East Peace Talks and think he knows what he is doing. The good news is that last week he decided he was a Holy Man, so maybe he'll go off to Utah in a loin cloth and stop bothering us.

Hold it. I just saw a couple of female Dogs go by. Don't touch that dial!

Hey babes! I'm over here and I'm starting to think about you!

Now where was I? Pompous newscasters. You have to put Keith Olbermann of MSNBC right up there on the improbably high pomposity scale. His qualifications for pontificating are that he ... used ... to ... cover ... network ... SPORTS! Now there is job to end the Cold War with. "I think they are hitting the ball well today Keith. What do you think?" "Yes. They are also throwing and running the ball well today too." Geez. Even a Dog could do a job like that.

But even Keith the big O isn't as bad as that lady on there after him that Rachel Maddow. Ouch. Slightly tough to look at in addition to being a bossy know-it-all. But really: MSNBC could use some real BABES like they have over there at Fox. And they have all been to Harvard or practically all of them have and if they haven't who is checking? Certainly not that old lech Mr. Murdoch! His wife is younger than my sister!

I'm not allowed to say anything bad about that guy Chris Matthews because my across-the-street-neighbor Robin likes him from her days in Washington. But since he started this whole blabbing on TV thing I think we all ought to throw our shoes at him. I mean if I wore shoes.

That face just says Face the Nation, don't you think? Maybe I ought to try out?

Then there is that lady called Christian PouranAdMan. She's from Iran and I'm pretty sure she's a spy. Wasn't she supposed to be on one of those planes on 9/11 but was warned ahead of time by OBL? Something like that. All I know is that when bad things happen to the old US of A it sure brightens her day. Maybe she was really born in Kenya!

But wait: now they have Christian being an expert over at ABC News, and that will be the last we ever hear of her. I mean old Diane Sawyer always makes the other prominent women at her network Disappear the way they do with liberals in Chile. Poof. She'll be pushed out of the plane over the Pacific before she even knows she's had engine start. That former America's Junior Miss is one tough cookie.

Well, that's about all for today's program. Next time we will talk about Katie Couric and how we think that foxy cougar ought to let her hair grow back.

Courage!

Toby Tyler
Dog

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